Struggling with “gender disappointment”?
You're not alone.
If your baby isn't the boy or girl you imagined and you're experiencing feelings of grief, sadness, guilt, shame or confusion, you've come to the right place.
You may love your child deeply and still be struggling with feelings you didn't expect.
You might be feeling grief for the son or daughter you imagined. You might feel confused by the intensity of your emotions, guilty for feeling this way at all, or ashamed to tell anyone what you're experiencing.
You may even be wondering:
“Why does this matter so much to me?”
"Why is this impacting me so much?"
“Why can't I just be grateful?”
“Does feeling this way make me a bad parent?”
These feelings can be difficult to understand, particularly when you love your child.
You are not alone, and having these feelings is a human rsponse to something that really matters to you.
Hello, I’m Dr Nina Francis
When I experienced what was then called ‘gender disappointment ’, but we now know it as RIFis. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before; it was horrendous and undoubtedly changed my life. I decided it was simply not okay that parents were feeling all the really difficult, complex and overwhelming feelings of 'gender disappointment’ yet were being left to do it completely alone. No scientifically backed information and research to draw on, no care pathways for those who were suffering, nothing. My experience of RIFis hit me hardest about 10 years ago. And from then, all my research and passion to ignite the conversation and support those who experience this phenomenon has led to the creation of this website, the RIFis Pathway Courses, podcast, community space, and soon-to-be-published book. I am committed to bringing research-informed support to parents and education to health care professionals.
And you are so warmly welcomed to this space; it has been created for you.
What My Research Tells Us About How ‘Gender Disappointment’, Now Understood as RIFis, Can Be Experienced…
Why 'Gender Disappointment', Now RIFis, Can Feel So Hard
For many parents, ’gender disappointment’ which is now called
RIF-IS is about far more than just sex. It is often connected to:
An imagined parent–child relationship
Your sense of identity as a parent
Cultural or family expectations
Past experiences or longings
Your love for a child you've held in your heart for many
years but who has not been born
These feelings and experiences are often not shared, even when
the parent is really struggling and wants help. That’s why we are
here: to make space for these conversations and understanding,
together with others who understand.
A Place to Understand and Reflect
Here, you are invited to:
Access information and resources to help with what we now call RIFis, but have called ‘gender disappointment’
Explore your emotions in a way that makes sense
Connect with other parents who understand because they are walking the same path
Find language for feelings and experiences that are hard to get hold of
Support for Parents Who Are Experiencing ‘Gender Disappointment’,
now RIFis
If you’re struggling with thoughts like “I wanted a boy” or “I need my daughter”, you can find support here. This space can help you:
Understand when and why these feelings arise
Connect emotions to your lived experience
Reduce shame
Develop tools and strategies to support you for those times when e.g. someone tells you they are pregnant, or you need to walk thought the baby girls/boys clothes section in a shop
How We Support You
Small-Group Course
Our welcoming small-group course offers support for parents who want to:
Explore their experience of ‘gender disappointment’
Understand some of the emotional patterns behind what we now call RIFis rather than ‘gender disappointment’
Build skills and strategies to better navigate the overwhelming ‘gender disappointment', now RIFis, emotions
You’re Welcome Here
If you’ve never spoken about your RIFis, previously known as ‘gender disappointment’ feelings, before, that’s ok.
If you’re unsure what you need, that’s ok too.
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Support and understanding are here for anyone navigating ‘gender disappointment’, now RIFis.